Open arms... closed eyes

Circumspection

2012-02-08T10:42:00.004-05:00

Random blogging time. Arrived too early at RDU airport (misread flight time). Have absolutely nothing to do, really. Then remembered I used to blog. Ok back to random blogging.

Life has been mostly good. Ha - see that.. mostly. Yup, this post is about us (or me, at least) not feeling sure, not doing things whole heartedly, ever. Its about circumspection.

I think a lot of us have this uncanny knack of taking the simple joy out of things by just over-analyzing. Really simple things. Buying a pair of shoes, for instance. This one looks sexy.. this one is real light-weight, perfect for running. What do I need more? I wish the light weight one looked as sexy. I wish it were a little cheaper. I need to lose weight, I should buy the light-weight one. Damn.. it has the stripes, not the swoosh. Black or White? Aaaah.. ok let me just get this one. And then.. did I make the right choice? But this just doesn't look as sexy. And there you go.. spent $$$ on a pair of shoes, and still there are ifs and buts.

I wish I could be like those 0.1% people I know who are just sure. I'm more decisive than a lot of people I know (yes sap, you are one of them).. but I wish I could be just happy with the choices I make. Small ones and not so small ones. I feel somewhat consumed by circumspection.. apartment choice, career choice, airline choice, country choice. And then I think about what it would take to eliminate all the circumspection. I realized the answer to most issues is more money. If I had a lot more money.. half the confusion is gone, and many times, I wouldn't have to make a choice at all.

BUT.. more money = less life. What do I want more? Circumspection... haha.. this is fun, no doubt about that!!

LOLed my ass off!!

2009-10-27T23:04:00.002-04:00

I found something that made me laugh like a madman, after so long. It was an ancient e-mail. Continue reading only if you can understand telugu. Well, maybe that wouldn't help either. I'm really really sorry for the torture nunu..

Written in the really early hours of 1st Feb, 2000...

From: Hiten Mehta
To: anu_15_84@usa.net
Date: 1 Feb 00 05:44:49 IST
Subject: Naaku kuda telugu vacchu!!

Priyamaina anu
Hi!!Ela unnavu?Ninna test jarigindi,chala manchiga rasanu.
Ee saari kuda subjective lo 100% vastadi ani ankunta.
Ninna ratri caddy phone chesindi,chala rojulu tarvata.
Hayiga matladina.
Niku gurtunda?
Aa roju nenu niku messenger lo atlane vodili velli poyanu?
It's a different story ani?
Aa roju ninchi nenu niku mail cheya le.
Nuvvu malli aa story gurinchi adugutavu emo.....
Kani,eroju sayintram nenu malli mail chesta.
Aa story chepte chepacchu.
Nito hide cheyalante chala kashtam.
Inka emi.....?
Ni annaiya ekkada unnaru asalu?Naku ardham kaale.
Bore kodtunda?
Ardham avvakpote naku cheppu.nenu english lo mail chesta.
Emmante,na telugu chala high-level telugu.
Niku ardham rakapovachhu.
Nenu,roju english period lo hayiga padkunta.
Aa period luch tarvata vastundi.Inkenti?
Malli 1hr tarvata Sai naku lepuutadu.
Next hour vadu padkuntadu.
Manchi kada?

Sare,ippatki intene,
sayintram malli chesta.
Bye
Luv
chichi,
Premam,no,ni premikudu,no,whatever...
Nivade.....
Hiten.

2009-08-11T00:03:00.001-04:00

the hardest part..
was letting go.. not taking part..

and the strangest thing..
was waitin for that bell to ring.. it was the strangest start..

2009-07-30T20:45:00.000-04:00

baatein bhul jaati hai,
yaadein.. yaad aati hai

Thanks MJ...

2009-07-12T15:48:00.002-04:00

I've never really been a huge fan of Michael Jackson, although I do like his songs. Still, his passing does bring about a sadness.

I guess I'll always remember him for one special reason. I've only once in my life won any sort of prize for singing. We were in eighth grade then, and even though it was a only 2nd prize in a group singing competition at the Sainikpuri auditorium, I still am proud of it. We were even invited to sing at our school assembly the following week. It was for the song 'Heal the world' by MJ, and it remains my favorite song of his (along with 'Will you be there'). Listen to it sometime, watch the video, and tell me if it doesn't move you. I don't think we won that prize for our singing talents, I think it was for the message the song carried.

Despite the things he did with his body and all the controversies that he had gotten himself into, I think the world outside of the media will remember him for his music and dance, just like it should be, and for the things he did for peace. His music will really live on, and so will he. Thanks MJ!!

Flash of Genius

2009-06-23T00:13:00.003-04:00

I was watching the movie Flash of Genius this last weekend. To be honest, it really was an inspiring story. The relentless pursuit, not just of technical brilliance, but also of honor and integrity has something in it for everyone to learn. There was this part where he describes how it all really came to him... his flash..

I was a student at a engineering college in Hyderabad. I rode 20km on a bike to get there. In the summer, the temperature would threaten to touch 50 degrees (yes, i feel all metric today). Since the ride was really long, at least by Indian standards, I'd have plenty to time to let my mind wander away and think of mostly irrelevant things. One day though, I thought... would it ever be possible to build a huge dome over the city that would protect us from the sun? Like have a city inside a house?

For the next few days,I would deliberately let my mind get lost trying to answer this stupid question. Maybe the dome would be made of a dark glass, or a dark plastic. Maybe it would be retractable so rain could still be allowed inside. Maybe it would be supported by a complex web of beams and trusses. Soon enough though, I gave up on this. The idea seemed too fantastic. The city is too big. Its an engineering impossibility. Even if it were possible, who would listen? Even if someone did, who would pay?

Last week... I was laying on my couch,watching Discovery. And suddenly, I see the dome.They wanna build a dome over Houston to protect it from the heavy rains and tornadoes. I felt sick. I had no idea that what I had thought about years ago, was infact nothing new, in concept. They're generally called Fuller's Domes (After the man who first thought about it).

I dug up a video that talks about the Houston idea (turn up the vol)..

So.. I felt like a loser after seeing this... a failed engineer.. someone who didn't take himself seriously.

Worse, this was not the first time it had happened with me. The 'Genesis' project, of which I have only very fond memories... was not so ingenious after all.. There was a thing called the Honda Canopy..

Even the now very common, backup camera in cars..

Will I ever be an inventor? Will I ever be remembered for something? Or will I just end up becoming another guy trapped in the corporate world obsessed with making money, if even that? While all these questions linger, there is a positive.. I realized I maybe I do have it in me to make that one thing which will change people's lives. Its just that I'm a few decades behind some others right now, but I surely will catch up. Its a matter of my flash of genius...

Bittersweet rain..

2009-05-20T23:02:00.002-04:00

I wrote about the rain a couple of posts ago. That was an unequivocally pleasant experience. I'm not very sure it was the same this last weekend though. We bowled out the opposition (Greenville Hurricanes) for a mere 106 in a 35-over game.

We set out well chasing what seemed to be an easy target. We made 50 or so without much loss. And then it rained. Fifteen minutes, that's all. It destroyed the ground. The bowler's run-ups on either ends resembled Lake Jordan. It rained that heavy. It looked like a wet t-shirt contest, only with 22 clearly unfit guys though :p

It was fun getting drenched and then shivering in the cool breeze, but for company we also had the sinking feeling of having lost out on a chance to earn a hard-earned victory. We almost felt like the Kolkata Knight Riders team, only still poor.

Well... c'est la vie.

Conflict

2009-05-07T22:09:00.003-04:00

I've always believed that you can't watch any sporting event without favoring one of the sides. What is the point of watching it anyway if you don't care who wins?

There have been very few times where I've had conflicts about whom I want to support. Maybe a Man Utd vs Liverpool game... or Celtics vs Spurs. But none of them really matched what happened twice in the past few weeks. The IPL has been largely entertaining, but then the games between Deccan and Mumbai created the super-conflicts. Now obviously I want Deccan to win, simply because they're my 'home' team. BUT... I just cant wish loss upon a team which has Sachin in it.

I took a convenient middle-path though... I wanted Sachin to play well and Deccan to win. Deccan won both games and Sachin played well in one of them.. all happy :)

When I wake up tomorrow..

2009-04-21T22:45:00.002-04:00

I wish for life to be different when I wake up tomorrow.
I wish I have the same enthusiasm at work that I did on my first day.
I wish to be leaner and stronger, like I was 3yrs ago.
I wish to regain my (slapstick) sense of humor.
I wish to be able to inspire someone.
I wish all my closest friends be around me, and not on the internet.
I wish to be in a different city.. New York, San Francisco, Seattle, Chicago.. anywhere.
I wish a good conversation with a real person is not an impossibility.
I wish to go out and rule the cricket ground again.
I wish for myself to not think so deeply all the time... I wanna be stupid too.

I don't know why I can't act on any of these. Who knows... maybe tomorrow when I wake up, I will know how to.

Rain...

2009-03-31T22:23:00.002-04:00

I've been wondering for quite some time now... why, in this country, are people so scared of the rain? Why do they let weather forecasts plan their weekends?

I was thinking about the times we played soccer in really heavy downpour..rode back home from college on the bike, or even just stepped out on the terrace only to get wet. It was never something that bothered me, or slowed me down. I enjoyed it. And it had been so long since I had been drenched. That was until this weekend. It was pouring cats, dogs and lizards by the time the India Fest got over, and I had parked my car seemingly in Mexico.

I joined the dozens of people waiting in the shelters for the rain to stop. One look upwards confirmed it wasn't close to stopping. So I just walked. It was amazing, even though there was no garam chai at the end of it, not even the smell of the soil. Still, it was amazing.

I think people here should sometimes just let go... they're missing out on so much.

So many times...

2009-03-10T00:22:00.001-04:00

"One last thing lads"

2008-11-23T00:27:00.003-05:00

For the thousands of Indians who, like me, grew up watching cricket, these are difficult times. One after the other, our heroes are walking away into the sunset. There is this sadness about the whole situation. No doubt, there is the bright light of hope as well, but for now its just too hard to adjust.

These were the guys for whom we stayed up late, missed homeworks, faked bad health to miss tuitions, hurried our dinner. Indian cricket was the thing that mattered the most to us. We were happy when we won, sad when we lost. I remember the gutted feeling of the times when we'd "snatch defeat from the jaws of victory", but also the elation of pulling off an impossible victory. But it wasn't always this way..

Sourav Ganguly will be remembered for a lot of things, but for me, he'll remain the best captain we've had. After the big letdown of the Azhar era, he picked up the pieces of what used to be Indian cricket and forged a team that captured our imagination. He taught us how to fight. He gave us Yuvraj, Bhajji, Zaheer, Irfan and Sehwag.. the core of the current team. I wonder if these guys would have made it this far without the support of Ganguly. He backed each one of them through their lean times, giving them confidence every step of the way. Since Ganguly, we've had captains in Dravid, Kumble and Dhoni. Dravid and Kumble were just too graceful to be good captains, while Dhoni is still a work in process.

Almost throughout his career, Sourav batted under the shadows of Sachin, but the satisfaction that came from watching his cover drives is not matched even by the best chocolate fudge in town. The sixers off the left arm spinners were predictable, yet every bit amazing. His hundreds in Australia and England are unforgettable. The series against Pakistan in Toronto should have been officially renamed the "Sourav Ganguly series". The highlight of this career, though, has to be the shirt flinging at the holiest of the holy grounds, Lords.

The grace, elegance and skill for which he has been known were all on display in his last series against the Aussies. From the time when he announced his retirement to his hundred and the fifities... to the last speech. He has been fantastic.

Its painful to watch one day cricket these days. Gambir, Raina, Rohit and Dhoni are all brilliant... but they just dont mean as much to us, not yet anyway. We know its time for the legends to leave, but its just not the same without them. Thanks for the memories Dada...and at the risk of sounding too school boy-ish... I'll miss you!

What was she thinking?

2008-11-12T20:46:00.002-05:00

I was so tired of the routine. I decided I was simply going to enjoy this weekend. I dragged Harsha, Anant and Dimitrios to Washington DC. I had a whale of a time. We did all things that tourists do, and then our perverse jokes too.

There was, however, this one moment which made me pause. It was at the Vietnam memorial. As I was walking along the wall inscribed with the names of all those who had laid down their lives in the war, I noticed this woman kneeling in front of the wall. I paused to look at what she was doing. She put a white paper over a name and started pencil shading. I started wondering... was it her son? was it her husband? her brother?

Once she was done, she folded away the paper and kept it in her bag. Then she touched the name end to end, several times. More thoughts rushed to my head... is she crying? is she proud of him? I'm sure she's proud.. but does she think his life was wasted? how is she living without him?

I could only imagine this to be a part of some war movie. But when it happened right before me, it had me frozen for a second. I tried to catch her eyes as she walked away, but couldn't. This was supposed to be a fun weekend. I had to shake this off. So we went to the Einstein statue and clicked funny pictures. But once I started walking.. I was thinking again... What was she thinking? Surely she thought it was a waste... what came out of this?

It made so much sense when I was this...

:)

2008-09-10T21:54:00.001-04:00

2008-09-10T21:29:00.002-04:00

I wanna get drunk.. like really really drunk. I wanna get so drunk that I have no clue as to what I'm doing. I wanna have all the tequila, vodka, scotch and good ol' beer that I can have. In Antoney's words, "I wanna get so drunk that alcohol must pour out of every hole in my body".

I've never really gotten pissed drunk, but then again, I've never really had that intense desire either. I'm neither too happy nor too sad.. not even bored.. so then why this desire?? Maybe I'm just fed up with things in general. I think I just wanna feel numb for a while, forget everything and just lie wasted in some dark corner.

This already sounds like a drunk post :) (but its only wednesday)

I miss someone.. I dont know who.

Satisfaction?

2008-05-12T21:39:00.003-04:00

Why is satisfaction so elusive? Why are we constantly looking at the next step in life? The next car, the next job, MBA, New York City, when your present is so young? Is it bad to slow down and live in today, while still having a plan for the future? I really don't understand why people cannot think of today as a learning experience... something that will make you stronger tomorrow. Why curse your present, really?

What do you gain by talking trash about people you don't like, or about people who are not like you, or people who have actually achieved something in life? Why can't you respect all women? Does it give your ego a boost when you degrade a person in your own eyes? I'm sure it doesn't, cos if it did, you wouldn't be doing it again the next day.

Why can't you be proud of your country? Why curse it for its shortcomings when you're not doing anything to help?

Why can't you just be happy? Why can't you be satisfied?

Reading again..

2008-04-07T21:48:00.002-04:00

I've gotten through two books post Georgia Tech.. and I'm lucky they were both damn good, or I'd have given up again.

The Kiterunner by Khaled Hosseini was an often-twisting tale about friendship, guilt and circumstance in a war-torn country. I finally understood what the term 'jaw-dropping' actually meant. The movie, though impressive, wasn't quite as good as the book. However, you know a movie has touched the audience when there are those very quiet 15 seconds at the end of the movie when nobody's moving.. mostly out of shock. I guess the mostly-American crowd had for the first time seen a world that they never believed could exist, and hence the shock. It was not just the story of a man.. it represented the story of a whole country.

The first thing that comes to mymind when I think of the book/movie... "A thousand times for you Sohrab."

Maximum City by Suketu Mehta talks a bit about the Mumbai we know.. and then it talks a lot about the Mumbai we don't know, the 'Sone ki chidiya'. Everything about it was mesmerizing.. the underworld, bar dancers, bollywood, vada-pav, the local trains, and the people. Its a pity that the book was written prior to the train blasts... I would be interested in reading how Suketu would have told that story, only because the scenes on TV are still so fresh in everyone's mind.

My favourite part of this book was the story of Babanji, the young hopeful Bihari poet.

Found on my Starbucks cup...

2008-03-24T21:48:00.002-04:00

All children need a laptop. Not a computer, but a human laptop.
Moms, dads, grannies and grandpas, aunts, uncles..
Someone to hold them, read to them, teach them.
Loved ones who will embrace them and pass on the experience,
rituals & knowledge of a hundred previous generations.
Loved ones who will pass to the next generation their expectations of them,
their hopes, and their dreams.

2007-12-12T04:04:00.000-05:00

Its 4:05AM. I have a test in under four hours, my second last at tech, and I haven't learnt how to enjoy them. I'm in the library, tired, braindead. I need to look away. Its the tea break in the match. So I'm writing this. Argh.

2007-11-27T19:33:00.000-05:00

Its been 10 yrs !!!?

Finding your own little heaven..

2007-10-28T20:55:00.000-04:00

I woke up this morning with a beautiful thought. There were flashes from that evening at the end of the summer in California. It was a beautiful evening, but we were frustrated from not being able to go on the much famed '17 mile drive' as it was closed just that particular day. We drove along Sunset drive and then paced up and down the streets of downtown Carmel, which had this authentic european feel to it.

It was a random 'turn right' decision that took us to what I now call "my little heaven"... I had never seen such a breathtaking sight at the end of a road. The road ended where the beach began. We had reached "Carmel by the sea"... it really did seem like the far end of earth.

This really was the kind of place I wanted to be in with her.. the ocean without the clamour of the Santa Cruz beach. This was far more pristine.. crashing waves, white sand, scattered people, a couple on their bikes, a lady with her dog, another with her new-born. It was easily the most beautiful sunset I had seen. There's no way I can describe it, but it was like the sun was slowly but surely resigning itself into the ocean, leaving behind a colorful sky and a beautiful evening to cherish. The only indication of time would be the very apparent falling of the sun, otherwise it was all pretty much standstill.

Somehow, I thought to myself.. we're surely gonna return to this place someday. It holds a special place for me, creates a serene thought.. I think of how we just sat there talking about the past, the future, and talking nothing at all. I've always kept looking for my little heaven... something that brings about this calmness when I think of it. It didn't even have to be a place.. it used to be 'the saturday', then 'nowhere', and then this.. I'm sure we all have own little heaven.. its just about realising it when we get there, and then cherishing it for the time to come..

I wish there was a better way to thank the stranger who clicked this for us..

A sudden melancholy

2007-09-11T22:17:00.000-04:00

It's that weird time again. Even when there's nothing apparently wrong, an irritatingly conspicuous feeling of morosity seems to have crept into me. For no reason. At all.

I haven't studied at all this sem, so I cant complain that my school is getting be depressed. If anything, I'm having a whale of a time at school. Its at times like these that I start thinking unnecessarily deep things. I feel I've change in some now-noticable ways. I've gone from someone who treasured his few deep relationships to someone who maintains a lot of shallow ones, which is not bad either.. its just that I miss being able to connect to someone whom I could really talk to, about just anything under the sun.. someone who'd listen me out too, without judging me or ridiculing me for my thoughts.

A depressing house, a seemingly never-ending long distance relationship, a dear friend who's just about being there, the anxiety of a job hunt, a lousy job that I do only to continue paying off my rent... these are really the only things I've been thinking about all day.

Its hard to smile through tough days sometimes.

Culture.. religion and the sorts

2007-07-31T22:12:00.000-04:00

I got to know some Indians even in this jungle... thank god for cricket. My first impression of them was of a bunch of confused undergrads or ABCDs.. the usual, caught between cultures types, checkin out random babes while still listening to Penn Masala.

However some things changed that impression this last weekend. After our game, we went to one of the guys' place, the only non-student in the lot.. he cooked for us n stuff too. What then happened had really got me thinking. They shared all the work.. there was no dining table.. so two guys set up the place in the hall for everyone to sit around and eat, 2 others helped the "cook".. everyone settled around on the floor to eat.. and then they got into a prayer, the one that they recite before eating. For a moment I did feel ashamed I must admit as I was probably the only one who didn't know the prayer, and I was the last one to have come here from India. Ofcourse the next moment I consoled myself by the fact that I was not a religious person, and that I had a whole different set of values and beliefs, that I never prayed.

Looking away from myself, I moved my focus back on them... I still thought they were a confused bunch, but I now realised they weren't entirely lost. I've been to the homes of two of the guys, both houses welcome you with the Indian flag proudly displayed in the living room, though this was something even I had always wanted.

We ate over conversations about the things they did together, and how happy they were where they were. Once we were done, the group once again segregated, with each one taking on a role.. cleaning up, trashing, rearranging. I was told that if we had not used the plastics plates, one of them would even do the dishes.

They lived about 5min from each other.. so a really close-knit group. They had converted the lone Marathi also to Gujju-ism. I asked them if they ever thought about moving to a big city like NY or LA or ATL.. I didn't get a single yes. They were all so happy where they were, countryside Nashville. One guy explained to me that its all the same once you have friends where you are, the place doesn't matter. I couldn't agree more. I'd much rather be in Atlanta where I know people than be in a larger, grander NY where I know nobody. But then again, in a place like NY,it really doesnt take much to get to know people, so I'd get used to that in no time at all, so it shouldnt really matter. Then I guess its only about the depth of your relationships. Can that really keep you moving on?

I rode along with the group as we went bowling n just driving.. nothing to me suggested anyone wanted to leave all of this behind.. but who knows where their jobs would take them.

So maybe the size of this particular group wasn't large enough.. the demographics weren't too varied.. they were all gujjus.. known to be the more religiously conscious among Indians.. but looking at them.. I just thought.. do Indian parents here go that extra mile in bringing up their kids, afraid that this culture may corrupt them, that they end up raising them to be far more religion and culture conscious than most Indian kids? I know my aunt drives 40miles twice a week just to take her kid to a classical music class, the classes in every galli-nukkad of India are so scarcely populated, but I also wonder how long would their upbringing help them? What will happen when alcohol enters their lives? Would they begin to lose it? Would they take the songs about guns and gangs way too seriously?

Two guys from the group had been to this religious camp last week at the University of Texas at Austin. They told stories about how people just like them had been reduced to tears by the story of Abhimanyu. They were still sporting the spiked hair and loose shorts, but they had the tilak. All this makes me wonder.. will they just change, or will they hold?

As for me, I've come to believe that people like me just somehow grow way more patriotic after coming here, something that I don't understand. We're pretty much traitors to our country, yet we feel more proud of it now when we're away from it. We wanna go to India.. but just for a holiday. We're too afraid of the discomforts. We've traded a lot for comforts.

I go to bed listenin to a meaningless, yet famous song "This is why I'm hot".. but I'm gonna wake up at a crazy hour to see Sachin bat. Am I any different? I wonder..

Everybody loves Raymond..

2007-07-13T22:53:00.000-04:00

Why can't lives of real people be like that of Raymond? He has legendary fights with his wife, the kinds that could end marriages, and yet, somehow, they're all real funny, helped by those background laughs. I think putting those fake background laughs in real people's lives could make their fights funny too.

Isn't it amazing that no matter how bad his fights get, they're still always settled inside those half hour episodes? They somehow always kiss and make up, or.. atleast kiss anyway.

Now I dont wanna be someone who gets jacked over and over and over by his wife, mom, dad, brother and whoever else crosses his path.. but I sure want things to end on a high note in every episode of my life. It sometimes reminds me of a thing that my dad once told me, that just stuck. After one of those wars with my sis, when we were both mighty upset, he came up to me and said "Finish all your fights by midnight each day.. don't carry them into the next day." It seemed to work almost everytime I consciously tried to settle things before the day ended. But soon I stopped trying cos people were either too pissed off all the time, or I found myself apologizing way too often of things that I thought were not my fault, and that probably wasn't good for my ego. But anyway, I'm sure I'd be more peaceful if I had kept doing that, eventually people would've realised what was going on.

Anyway, I wish I can get back to where I can see the funny side of everything, play those background laughs in my head to help me maybe, maybe talk funny things inside my head like those guys do in scrubs, ..simply cos I prefer being funny than being mad. Somehow, I'd just like to end each episode on a high.
"Life's too short to be pissed off all the time"

2007-06-26T20:44:00.000-04:00

I miss a friend(?), who almost seems a very old friend now. I miss how I spoke about almost anything with her, how I could be stupid when I wanted, without worrying if I was wasting what could be "quality time. "
A lot of things would seem fake in retrospect, but a lot things really were not.. fake. As I thought about some really testing times, which again I'm sure would seem affected, I couldn't believe how much I really had blown away. It really doesn't seem to make sense suddenly, and so I force myself into thinking about the bad parts of it just to convince myself that it was ok to blow it away. But really, it wasn't. It costed me way more than just one very good friend. I wont even go into the loser's world of "If I had another chance, I'd do things differently... "

Talking about "old friends", now I've had some truly great friendships back home in Hyderabad. But I've realised.. they're just not like me. I am close to only a few people, but I really hold tight to them, they're for the keeps, they're not just people who where at the same place and time as me. Also I believe friends are people who know the current you, not someone whom you made your "best friend" in 6th grade and never talked to him after 8th grade. My friends in hyd.. i dont know.. they seem so busy all the time, too busy for a 5 min call in a year, I can count the number of phone calls I've received (apart ofcourse from family) ever since I came here, and no its not coz I've been talking to them online either. At times I just wished one of them would think of me and call, without any "work".. you know.. just call, like I do out of the blue, cos maybe I miss them? Its not like I'm perenially terribly disappointed in them, or I'm mad at them, I'm not even blaming them... its never been that important there, I'm sure they'd ensure I had a whale of a time if I went there now, but then again.. there'd be nothing until probably I went back. I'm sure they still consider me one of their own, I haven't changed all that much since I've gotten here, but I shouldn't hope for effort... I should just be content knowing they still like me, and knowing that I'd have never-ending tales to tell them when I get back home.

Thank you orkut... because of you, they cant escape lookin at my face for too long :)
C'mon guys... I can't get there anytime soon, but I sure miss u guys like hell.. and you too, my lost friend. I hope you're doin well...

Forgive my growing alliance with country music.. but there's this song by Rodney Atkins called "These are my people"..

A wonderful weekend..

2007-06-24T22:19:00.000-04:00

It was something I had been looking forward to ever since I got to Nashville, making the trip back to Atlanta, which is so much more like home now.

Not my favourite means of transport, but also my only option, I rode the Greyhound again, breakin a promise of not doing it ever again :) But this time around, I was in for a cute lil surprise. It wasn't hard at all to decide which seat I wanted on the bus. With a few window seats left, some of which were next to ppl who occupied more than one and a half seat, some next to ppl who it seemed hadn't showered since the last time it rained... no, all this was bullshit.. the prying eyes of a 22yr old guy obviously had to fall on the seat next to a cute European-looking girl.

It took me 5 mins to realize she didnt speak English all that much. What followed were my best 2hrs in a long long time... It was so refreshing talking to a non-American girl, someone who knew the world beyond America.. we just had loads of harmless (though loud, at times) fun, something you'd never expect in a Greyhound bus. The girl was Lina.. an sales intern studying "politician" in Lithuania (I admit I had to ask her to show me where it was on the map). She did a heck of a job for someone who's been learning English for just under an year.

With high spirits, and no signs of the K-factor (lingo exclusive to tech isye junta), was all upbeat abt gettin homw to Atlanta.. met randeep, professor, chimpy, drama n bhavik.. loads of beer.. makkadman.. world politics... mega-screwing of Randeep and it was 3:30 in no time.

Saturday... after an unsuccessful house hunt, the usual chaddi chor bashing with anant n sheikh.. it was so awesome to see Arya... my partner in loneliness, also a villager (though I maintain Nashville is not a village). Had an unsuccesful bird-spotting at Cumberland while sheikh was emptying his pockets..

Then... we witnessed god himself. A R Rahman was unbelievable.. u'd think post-recording editing made songs sound that much better.. but when its happenin live before you... its just somethin else. Choicelessly, the non-tamilians amongst us also danced to the beats of the Sivaji songs.. though my high points from the concert had to be Secret of Sucess (Boys), Maa tujhe salaam, the Sivamani solo (un-freakin-believable), chaiyya chaiyya, Paathshaala... oh damn i'm gonna keep goin.. I think Saurabh was an idiot for missin it.. anant too... and anu... tu na... :)

So later, wantin to make most of our time together.. me, arya n drama decided to skip sleep... rum helped us see the "other side" of drama, added with tonnes of egotistical attitude :) Leaving a dwunk drama to coochy-coo, me n arya walked thru campus, at like 5 in the mornin (last done before eco finals)...

The return journey in the Greyhound was nowhere close to my east-european experience, but well, it got me here writing this absolutely pointless post... a "contemporary" post that I haven't done in ages.

It sucked not meetin nunu in Nashville... but koi nahi.. next time.. but I really had an awesome awesome time meetin the others.. ok I'm hungry, and sleepy. bye,hic.

When you painted your face..

2007-06-20T22:44:00.000-04:00

So thinly painted, This mask you wear , It's coming off ...One inch at a time, It's peeling away, It's filling with holes, And you can't seem to understand why.............You close your eyes to cry, But tears can't bring you back to the way things were, Before you painted your face so thick with lies, And you seem so empty now....................With the hate you bore, with the love you needed to hide, you pacified those thoughts, Bottled them up tight, When you painted your face so thick with mud, and you seem so dirty now...........Your heart broke in to a million and one, The wrath and confusion, IT seems to have won, You never let it go, And you painted your face so your feeling couldn't show, And you seem so fragile now.....................So thinly painted.. This mask you wear it's coming off.. One inch at a time its peeling away, its filling with holes And you can't seem to understand Why .......!!!!

I'm so proud of you..

2007-05-28T00:04:00.000-04:00

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder

You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger

May you never take one single breath for granted

God forbid love ever leave you empty handed

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean

Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens

Promise me that youll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance....i hope you dance.

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance

Never settle for the path of least resistance

Livin might mean takin chances but theyre worth takin

Lovin might be a mistake but its worth makin

Dont let some hell bent heart leave you bitter

When you come close to sellin out reconsider

Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance..

"I hope you dance" by Lee Ann Womack

The two sides...

2007-05-25T22:55:00.000-04:00

I'm having an interesting time here in Nashville, the music-city of the States. Interesting, but tough too. I get to see a microcosm of the two sides of this country in this outskirt of a lil town. I work in a company thats as global as global can get... its an extremely busy atmosphere, filled with high profile people, who perpetually seem on calls to somewhere in Europe. The parking lot really tells a lot about the kind of occupants of the building.. its like an auto show in a little parking lot...

When I get back "home"... its like I walk into a totally different country. I'm the only person in this building without a tattoo on me, and who isn't smokin away like a chimney. Half the people here look like drug-addicts, wonder how they can afford it though..

Its amazing, i think sometimes, how this much economic disparity has creeped into such less geographical distance. On a smaller scale, there was Banjara Hills, close to those tiny gallis of Ameerpet, or even Sainikpuri, close to the non-descript Nirmal Nagar. Really... how did this happen??? How did so much disparity ever creep in???

Somewhere, somethin did go terribly wrong..

Tagged...

2007-05-21T22:09:00.000-04:00

Offooooo divyaaaaaaaa

1. Pick out a scar you have, and explain how you got it:
Lower back. Indoor soccer when I was a kid, broke the showcase, two triangular pieces of glasses pierced the back (Grose??)

2. What is on the walls in your room?
This room??? Random paintings of venice or something..

3. What does your phone look like.
Nok 6682... the bestest phone in the world..

4. What music do you listen to?
It HAS to be country music in Nashville right?? Otherwise... not very heavy rock, the random genre, and hindi (including govinda's 'kurta phaadke')

5. What is your current desktop picture?
A picture of Atlanta's Kroor Singh building and nunu's fav building (taken from my cell ofcourse)

6. What do you want more than anything right now?
Visit swades... eat paani poori at the bandi... the mirchi bhajjis... mum's oily and ghee-ful food.. go to a beach with 'her'..

7. Do you believe in gay marriage?
I believe in Lesbian marriage though ;)

8. What time were you born?
3 30PM

9. Are your parents still together?
Obviously.

10. What are you listening to?
Myself singing makkadman :)

12. The last person to make you cry?
Akshay Kumar in Namaste London, seriously it depressed me like hell

13. What is your favourite perfume/cologne?
BLACK :)

14. What kind of hair/eye colour do you like on the opposite sex?
Blonde/green hehe... black-brown/brown

15. Do you like pain killers?
Never ever..

16. Are you too shy to ask someone out?
History doesn't suggest that :)

17. Fave pizza topping?
Oye yaar.. Papa John's ka garden pizza... with the pineapples

18. If you could eat anything right now, what would itbe?
Thepla, hyd biryani, paani poori, Tech's Honey-bun

19. Who was the last person you made mad?
Ummmmm, nunu?

20. Is anyone in love with you?
Half the world is..

Passing on the torture (tagging) to.... Arya, Drama, Nunu

LMAO!!!

2007-04-10T19:48:00.000-04:00

Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is your captain Rosi welcomingboth seated and standing passengers on board of Air Deccan.We apologize for the four-day delay in taking off, it was due to badweather and partly due to the search for a missing tyre.
This is flight 717 to Mumbai. Landing there is not guaranteed, but wewill End up somewhere in India. And, if luck is in our favor, we mayeven be landing on your village!
Air Deccan has an excellent safety-record. In fact, our safety standardsare so high, that even terrorists are afraid to fly with us! It is withpleasure; I announce that, starting this year, over 30% of ourPassengers have reached their destination.
If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger request, we canarrange to turn them off. To make your free fall to earth pleasant andmemorable, we serve Complimentary Chai and Wada pavw. For ournot-so-religious passengers, we are the only airline who can help youfind out if there really is a God!
We regret to inform you, that today's in-flight movie will not be shownas we forgot to record it from the television. However, for our moviebuffs, we will be flying right next to Kingfisher Airline, where theirmovie will be visible from the right side of the cabin window.
There is no smoking allowed in this airplane. Any smoke you see in theCabin is only the early warning system on the engines telling us to slowdown!
In order to catch important landmarks, we try to fly as close aspossible. For the best view , if however, we go a little too close, dolet us know. Our enthusiastic co-pilot sometimes flies right through thelandmark!
Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take-off andfasten your seat-belt. For those of you who can't find a seat-belt,kindly Fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat. And, for those ofyou who can't find a seat, do not hesitate to get in touch with astewardess who will explain how to fasten yourself to your suit

LMAO!!! Look what i found..

2007-04-01T13:18:00.001-04:00

The alarms (Part 2)

2007-03-12T01:30:00.000-04:00

I had written about mine and nimbo's struggle with the alarms a couple of posts ago. Well... some things have changed, some haven't..

Things that have not changed:
We still waste time in the nights... he watches Naruto, i'm hooked to YouTube.
We still have an early class/assignment due.
We still HATE waking up.

Things that have changed:
The "mosquito" alarm is now no longer used. We decided its no good for us sleeping giants anyways, so why lose those few seconds of sleep to it???
My alarm ringtone has changed from Rang de basanti to Dream on... was hoping for some early morning inspiration, duh, what was I even thinkin!!??
I no longer participate in the race to bang that Indian alarm... now its a nice routine.. i wake up.. yell at nimbo to wake up, he bangs it, and we go back to sleep.
Oh, he got a cell too.. he keeps it on snooze... the turns it off only the third time..

Alright... I should go sleep now... "gotta wake up early tomorrow".
heh heh heh.

An interesting reflection : Slow Down Culture ( a fwd)

2007-01-23T21:51:00.001-05:00

It's been 18 years since I joined Volvo, a Swedish company. Working for them has proven to be an interesting experience. Any project here takes 2 years to be finalized, even if the idea is simple and brilliant. It's a rule.

Globalize processes have caused in us (all over the world) a general sense of searching for immediate results. Therefore, we have come to posses a need to see immediate results. This contrasts greatly with the slow movements of the Swedish. They, on the other hand, debate, debate, debate, hold x quantity of meetings and work with a slowdown scheme. At the end, this always yields better results.

Said in another words:
1. Sweden is about the size of San Pablo, a state in Brazil.
2. Sweden has 2 million inhabitants.
3. Stockholm, has 500,000 people.
4. Volvo, Escania, Ericsson, Electrolux, Nokia are some of its renowned companies.
Volvo supplies the NASA.

The first time I was in Sweden, one of my colleagues picked me up at the hotel every morning. It was September, bit cold and snowy. We would arrive early at the company and he would park far away from the entrance (2000 employees drive their car to work). The first day, I didn't say anything, either the second or third. One morning I asked, "Do you have a fixed parking space? I've noticed we park far from the entrance even when there are no other cars in the lot." To which he replied, "Since we're here early we'll have time to walk, and whoever gets in late will be late and need a place closer to the door. Don't you think? Imagine my face.

Nowadays, there's a movement in Europe name Slow Food. This movement establishes that people should eat and drink slowly, with enough time to taste their food, spend time with the family, friends, without rushing. Slow Food is against its counterpart: the spirit of Fast Food and what it stands for as a lifestyle. Slow Food is the basis for a bigger movement called Slow Europe, as mentioned by Business Week.

Basically, the movement questions the sense of "hurry" and "craziness" generated by globalization, fueled by the desire of "having in quantity" (life status) versus "having with quality", "life quality" or the "quality of being". French people, even though they work 35 hours per week, are more productive than Americans or British. Germans have established 28.8 hour workweeks and have seen their productivity been driven up by 20%. This slow attitude has brought forth the US's attention, pupils of the fast and the "do it now!".

This no-rush attitude doesn't represent doing less or having a lower productivity. It means working and doing things with greater quality, productivity, perfection, with attention to detail and less stress. It means reestablishing family values, friends, free and leisure time. Taking the "now", present and concrete, versus the "global", undefined and anonymous. It means taking humans' essential values, the simplicity of living.

It stands for a less coercive work environment, more happy, lighter and more productive where humans enjoy doing what they know best how to do. It's time to stop and think on how companies need to develop serious quality with no-rush that will increase productivity and the quality of products and services, without losing the essence of spirit.

In the movie, Scent of a Woman, there's a scene where Al Pacino asks a girl to dance and she replies, "I can't, my boyfriend will be here any minute now". To which Al responds, "A life is lived in an instant". Then they dance to a tango.

Many of us live our lives running behind time, but we only reach it when we die of a heart attack or in a car accident rushing to be on time. Others are so anxious of living the future that they forget to live the present, which is the only time that truly exists. We all have equal time throughout the world. No one has more or less. The difference lies in how each one of us does with our time. We need to live each moment. As John Lennon said, "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans".

2006-11-23T23:01:00.000-05:00

I'm going through the most physically tortorous days of my life yet. Its really frustrating when the few feet from the living room to the kitchen is a 'journey'. This really is taking longer than I thought it would. Its gonna be a week tomorrow.

Like Mickey said, we take such simple things as walking for granted, and when we cant do that, we realise how much we need it. Hats off to people who have to use crutches all their lives. I swear its no easy job.

People have been really helpful..
Roomies get my food to me... respond to my shout for anything from upstairs, nunu, like always, has been there, and the isye 'junta' has been helpful too... i dont go to meetings, meetings come to me ;)

Haven't yet told my parents about it, just to avoid unnecessary tension, will probably tell them once I'm done with this, which, hopefully will be soon enough.

Damn!

The alarm(s)..

2006-11-15T02:46:00.000-05:00

Me and Nimbo are roomies. We sleep at weird hours and wake up at weirder hours. And these weird and weirder hours are different for us both.

Me and Nimbo do all sorts of things online to kill time. We're at Georgia Tech you know... surely we cant sleep at 11. A few hours into the night, we realised we haven't done any studies and we have an early class or an assignment due or something, so we promise ourselves (or each other) to wake up early, like in 4hrs.

So our plan... we set 3 alarms... one is my cell, which these days plays the title song of Rang de basanti to try n wake us up, the other is a cute lil stop-watch thingie that I got from the career fair. It's pretty slick, you can store upto 3 alarm times in it. So we set them 5 mins apart. Like Nimbo says.... its like a mosquito... not loud enough to wake you up, but irritating enough to make you want to shut it. Now the third alarm is the one that Nimbo got from India. It has that standard alarm tone to it. But its the stupidest clock you can find. The button to turn it off is on its top, so all you need to do is take a wild blow.

Anyways... so 4 hrs after we decide to sleep... my cell goes off... I've become to efficient, I can shut it before Daler Mehndi utters a word. Then the mosquito goes off. Now its not loud enough to make it worth the 3 foot trip, so we let it ring for the one minute before it shuts down. Maybe one the third time, one of us finally shuts it. Now the last one, the Indian alarm, its real loud. The moment it goes off, its a race to who gets there and gets to unload the irritation on the poor lil thing with a good thud.

All alarms done, a sleepy thought occurs that maybe it is time to wake up. But then, old habits die hard, we always fish for the "5 more minutes".

Its usually me who finally wakes up 3hrs later. I ask him if he has a morning class (the guy with the morning class gets the priority to the bathroom), he utters a sleepy no, just so I'd go and he could sneak in another 45min of sleep.

When I finally wake him up after my shower, he looks at the Indian alarm and goes... FUCK!!!

Thats how the day starts at 580, McAfee.

2006-11-06T16:02:00.000-05:00

I'm not a bad person.
I'm not a bad person.
I'm not a bad person.
I'm not a bad person.
I'm not a bad person.
I'm not a bad person.
I'm not a bad person.
I'm not a bad person.
I'm not a bad person.
I'm not a bad person.
I'm not a bad person.
I'm not a bad person.
I'm not a bad person.
I'm not a bad person.
I'm not a bad person.

Just tryin to rub it in..

2006-10-28T10:20:00.000-04:00

yaaaaaaaaar is KK ne phir senti kar diya..

The song is Yaaron...

Going nowhere..

2006-10-17T18:53:00.000-04:00

Okay.. so its the time of confessions again. I wonder why its hard for me to accept it when things are going wrong.

Hmm, so studies aren't going that well. I've screwed up a couple of tests which puts my GPA in a precarious position, one more slip and I may not recover. I don't think the tests here really test the knowledge about the subject, all they test is whether you know how to tackle exactly THE problems. But anyways, thats a different thing altogether. Let me just deal with what I'm getting right now, which is more than a handful. Taking Economics for this semester has been a mistake, I would've been better off with a special problem.

All my time management techniques that I used to have back in India seem to have disappeared. I seem to be working all the time without getting any work done. Where's the productivity dude??? Sometimes I feel like an admission mistake here at Tech, my confidence gets stripped* when things get desperate, and its not even like I'm having the kind of fun I'd like to have, there's hardly any fooling around. My chilling out time needs to be less on orkut and more at the gym. A movie with nunu is better than 10 episodes of friends.

* -> There are these moments in class when Alexopolous says "If you don't know this, you shouldn't be at Georgia Tech, you should be at Georgia state or something." And there are always more than a few of us staring at each other with helplessness, basically just feeling like shit.

The projects seem to be going nowhere... the data we've been given for the warehousing project is so messed up. It feels more like a comp sci project now. The DO project just won't take off... maybe cos we have no deadlines for it?? I'm afraid we're taking it way to easy.

I think Sandeep (tech waala) puts things into great perspective. He breaks down complex things to simple reasonings. I think he's gotten the closest to putting the finger on where we're going wrong. Its not that we're not doing enough. We're just not doing the right things.

I want to make better use of classes. Finally I'm able to follow some probability classes, cos I've managed to clear some things out. Warehousing is chill.. not a lot is covered in the time. I've stopped attending economics classes, he talks rubbish, he's not audible, and he puts half the class to sleep. This is a self study subject (a mistake in the first place). Its the DO class that I need to start making sense of real soon. Its getting seriously out of hand now. Mainly cos I haven't been handling the assignments the way they're meant to be. Time...

I think its time to go back to schedules. This feels like the time in the 1st year of Inter (only a million times intense) when I felt like shit when the results were out. And then sap had really got me going on the improvements thingie... I guess that was the first time in my life that I had actually started studying. Yeah, this feels like it... deep in shit, need somethin to get you back up (put your ass on fire).

This post feels good.. I've already had a couple of remedial measures built up in my head after puking all this out here.

Closing note: Why do so many profs keep using the phrase "Welcome to tech"?? I know wat its like now, so stop sayin it, and stop makin yourselves sound like monsters waitin to eat up bees.

Deeeeeeeeeep Lyrics...

2006-10-16T00:49:00.000-04:00

2006-10-05T03:05:00.000-04:00

Yahaan sab kuch hai maa phir bhi
lage bin tere mujhko akela..

2006-09-30T10:42:00.000-04:00

Es absurdo saber como hago tu voluntad
Y te vuelves amor luz en la oscuridad
Tu no lo ves y esta escrito en tu piel
Yo lo escucho lo siento lo se.

Sonries y se que tu puedes oirme
Que tu piensas en mi
Y yo puedo sentirte
Estas entre el cuerpo y el alma
Callada y total

2006-09-29T00:52:00.000-04:00

If getting raped is inevitable, you might as well enjoy it.. :)

Who would've thought...

2006-09-26T01:01:00.000-04:00

Perhaps Love...

2006-09-23T23:10:00.000-04:00

Perhaps love is like a resting place
A shelter from the storm
It exists to give you comfort
It is there to keep you warm
And in those times of trouble
When you are most alone
The memory of love will bring you home

Perhaps love is like a window
Perhaps an open door
It invites you to come closer
It wants to show you more
And even if you lose yourself
And don`t know what to do
The memory of love will see you through

Oh, love to some is like a cloud
To some as strong as steel
For some a way of living
For some a way to feel

And some say love is holding on
And some say letting go
And some say love is everything
And some say they don`t know

Perhaps love is like the ocean
Full of conflict, full of pain
Like a fire when it`s cold outside
Or thunder when it rains
If I should live forever
And all my dreams come true
My memories of love will be of you

--John Denver

Midtown from Piedmont park

2006-09-22T16:53:00.000-04:00

Courtesy: flickratlanta.blogspot.com

Yes nunu, it is a beautiful place.. :)

Guilt...

2006-09-21T01:37:00.001-04:00

Its the worst feeling one can ever have.

and I'm so full of it, in ways hard to imagine.. but I have to look the other way.

:)

2006-09-07T22:51:00.000-04:00

Intimidated..

2006-09-02T13:44:00.000-04:00

Thus spake Prof. Chris Alexopolous:

"This homework is going to be quite taxing, it is going to be very hard. But I had 3 intentions in my mind before giving you this:

The first intention is to scare you.
The second intention is to get you hooligans off the road. I'm sure I will not see any of you working out beside me at the gym from tomorrow.
And the third intention is to shake off your rustiness and prepare you for the things to come."

"You want to treat these two chapters like they were your girlfriend. Take it to bed, embrace it if you want. Do what you want, I don't care, but know it inside out."

All this in that trademark Greek accent. I'm loving this!!!

Tuesdays and thursdays, 4:30pm, when this class (probability models) ends, there is a gathering of the desi ISyE grads just outside the instructional center. We all crib about how we left well-paying jobs (or job offers) and came to Tech... for this? We all crib about how badly we wanna go back to India, we even start discussing the flight fares. Ten mintes later, we're all back in the lounge working our asses off.

Prof.Alexopolous, your first intention was fulfilled on Day1, the second is almost fulfilled, now that we're here, lets hope the third one gets fulfilled too.

Back to work...