It's that weird time again. Even when there's nothing apparently wrong, an irritatingly conspicuous feeling of morosity seems to have crept into me. For no reason. At all.
I haven't studied at all this sem, so I cant complain that my school is getting be depressed. If anything, I'm having a whale of a time at school. Its at times like these that I start thinking unnecessarily deep things. I feel I've change in some now-noticable ways. I've gone from someone who treasured his few deep relationships to someone who maintains a lot of shallow ones, which is not bad either.. its just that I miss being able to connect to someone whom I could really talk to, about just anything under the sun.. someone who'd listen me out too, without judging me or ridiculing me for my thoughts.
A depressing house, a seemingly never-ending long distance relationship, a dear friend who's just about being there, the anxiety of a job hunt, a lousy job that I do only to continue paying off my rent... these are really the only things I've been thinking about all day.
Its hard to smile through tough days sometimes.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Culture.. religion and the sorts
I got to know some Indians even in this jungle... thank god for cricket. My first impression of them was of a bunch of confused undergrads or ABCDs.. the usual, caught between cultures types, checkin out random babes while still listening to Penn Masala.
However some things changed that impression this last weekend. After our game, we went to one of the guys' place, the only non-student in the lot.. he cooked for us n stuff too. What then happened had really got me thinking. They shared all the work.. there was no dining table.. so two guys set up the place in the hall for everyone to sit around and eat, 2 others helped the "cook".. everyone settled around on the floor to eat.. and then they got into a prayer, the one that they recite before eating. For a moment I did feel ashamed I must admit as I was probably the only one who didn't know the prayer, and I was the last one to have come here from India. Ofcourse the next moment I consoled myself by the fact that I was not a religious person, and that I had a whole different set of values and beliefs, that I never prayed.
Looking away from myself, I moved my focus back on them... I still thought they were a confused bunch, but I now realised they weren't entirely lost. I've been to the homes of two of the guys, both houses welcome you with the Indian flag proudly displayed in the living room, though this was something even I had always wanted.
We ate over conversations about the things they did together, and how happy they were where they were. Once we were done, the group once again segregated, with each one taking on a role.. cleaning up, trashing, rearranging. I was told that if we had not used the plastics plates, one of them would even do the dishes.
They lived about 5min from each other.. so a really close-knit group. They had converted the lone Marathi also to Gujju-ism. I asked them if they ever thought about moving to a big city like NY or LA or ATL.. I didn't get a single yes. They were all so happy where they were, countryside Nashville. One guy explained to me that its all the same once you have friends where you are, the place doesn't matter. I couldn't agree more. I'd much rather be in Atlanta where I know people than be in a larger, grander NY where I know nobody. But then again, in a place like NY,it really doesnt take much to get to know people, so I'd get used to that in no time at all, so it shouldnt really matter. Then I guess its only about the depth of your relationships. Can that really keep you moving on?
I rode along with the group as we went bowling n just driving.. nothing to me suggested anyone wanted to leave all of this behind.. but who knows where their jobs would take them.
So maybe the size of this particular group wasn't large enough.. the demographics weren't too varied.. they were all gujjus.. known to be the more religiously conscious among Indians.. but looking at them.. I just thought.. do Indian parents here go that extra mile in bringing up their kids, afraid that this culture may corrupt them, that they end up raising them to be far more religion and culture conscious than most Indian kids? I know my aunt drives 40miles twice a week just to take her kid to a classical music class, the classes in every galli-nukkad of India are so scarcely populated, but I also wonder how long would their upbringing help them? What will happen when alcohol enters their lives? Would they begin to lose it? Would they take the songs about guns and gangs way too seriously?
Two guys from the group had been to this religious camp last week at the University of Texas at Austin. They told stories about how people just like them had been reduced to tears by the story of Abhimanyu. They were still sporting the spiked hair and loose shorts, but they had the tilak. All this makes me wonder.. will they just change, or will they hold?
As for me, I've come to believe that people like me just somehow grow way more patriotic after coming here, something that I don't understand. We're pretty much traitors to our country, yet we feel more proud of it now when we're away from it. We wanna go to India.. but just for a holiday. We're too afraid of the discomforts. We've traded a lot for comforts.
I go to bed listenin to a meaningless, yet famous song "This is why I'm hot".. but I'm gonna wake up at a crazy hour to see Sachin bat. Am I any different? I wonder..
However some things changed that impression this last weekend. After our game, we went to one of the guys' place, the only non-student in the lot.. he cooked for us n stuff too. What then happened had really got me thinking. They shared all the work.. there was no dining table.. so two guys set up the place in the hall for everyone to sit around and eat, 2 others helped the "cook".. everyone settled around on the floor to eat.. and then they got into a prayer, the one that they recite before eating. For a moment I did feel ashamed I must admit as I was probably the only one who didn't know the prayer, and I was the last one to have come here from India. Ofcourse the next moment I consoled myself by the fact that I was not a religious person, and that I had a whole different set of values and beliefs, that I never prayed.
Looking away from myself, I moved my focus back on them... I still thought they were a confused bunch, but I now realised they weren't entirely lost. I've been to the homes of two of the guys, both houses welcome you with the Indian flag proudly displayed in the living room, though this was something even I had always wanted.
We ate over conversations about the things they did together, and how happy they were where they were. Once we were done, the group once again segregated, with each one taking on a role.. cleaning up, trashing, rearranging. I was told that if we had not used the plastics plates, one of them would even do the dishes.
They lived about 5min from each other.. so a really close-knit group. They had converted the lone Marathi also to Gujju-ism. I asked them if they ever thought about moving to a big city like NY or LA or ATL.. I didn't get a single yes. They were all so happy where they were, countryside Nashville. One guy explained to me that its all the same once you have friends where you are, the place doesn't matter. I couldn't agree more. I'd much rather be in Atlanta where I know people than be in a larger, grander NY where I know nobody. But then again, in a place like NY,it really doesnt take much to get to know people, so I'd get used to that in no time at all, so it shouldnt really matter. Then I guess its only about the depth of your relationships. Can that really keep you moving on?
I rode along with the group as we went bowling n just driving.. nothing to me suggested anyone wanted to leave all of this behind.. but who knows where their jobs would take them.
So maybe the size of this particular group wasn't large enough.. the demographics weren't too varied.. they were all gujjus.. known to be the more religiously conscious among Indians.. but looking at them.. I just thought.. do Indian parents here go that extra mile in bringing up their kids, afraid that this culture may corrupt them, that they end up raising them to be far more religion and culture conscious than most Indian kids? I know my aunt drives 40miles twice a week just to take her kid to a classical music class, the classes in every galli-nukkad of India are so scarcely populated, but I also wonder how long would their upbringing help them? What will happen when alcohol enters their lives? Would they begin to lose it? Would they take the songs about guns and gangs way too seriously?
Two guys from the group had been to this religious camp last week at the University of Texas at Austin. They told stories about how people just like them had been reduced to tears by the story of Abhimanyu. They were still sporting the spiked hair and loose shorts, but they had the tilak. All this makes me wonder.. will they just change, or will they hold?
As for me, I've come to believe that people like me just somehow grow way more patriotic after coming here, something that I don't understand. We're pretty much traitors to our country, yet we feel more proud of it now when we're away from it. We wanna go to India.. but just for a holiday. We're too afraid of the discomforts. We've traded a lot for comforts.
I go to bed listenin to a meaningless, yet famous song "This is why I'm hot".. but I'm gonna wake up at a crazy hour to see Sachin bat. Am I any different? I wonder..
Friday, July 13, 2007
Everybody loves Raymond..
Why can't lives of real people be like that of Raymond? He has legendary fights with his wife, the kinds that could end marriages, and yet, somehow, they're all real funny, helped by those background laughs. I think putting those fake background laughs in real people's lives could make their fights funny too.
Isn't it amazing that no matter how bad his fights get, they're still always settled inside those half hour episodes? They somehow always kiss and make up, or.. atleast kiss anyway.
Now I dont wanna be someone who gets jacked over and over and over by his wife, mom, dad, brother and whoever else crosses his path.. but I sure want things to end on a high note in every episode of my life. It sometimes reminds me of a thing that my dad once told me, that just stuck. After one of those wars with my sis, when we were both mighty upset, he came up to me and said "Finish all your fights by midnight each day.. don't carry them into the next day." It seemed to work almost everytime I consciously tried to settle things before the day ended. But soon I stopped trying cos people were either too pissed off all the time, or I found myself apologizing way too often of things that I thought were not my fault, and that probably wasn't good for my ego. But anyway, I'm sure I'd be more peaceful if I had kept doing that, eventually people would've realised what was going on.
Anyway, I wish I can get back to where I can see the funny side of everything, play those background laughs in my head to help me maybe, maybe talk funny things inside my head like those guys do in scrubs, ..simply cos I prefer being funny than being mad. Somehow, I'd just like to end each episode on a high.
"Life's too short to be pissed off all the time"
Isn't it amazing that no matter how bad his fights get, they're still always settled inside those half hour episodes? They somehow always kiss and make up, or.. atleast kiss anyway.
Now I dont wanna be someone who gets jacked over and over and over by his wife, mom, dad, brother and whoever else crosses his path.. but I sure want things to end on a high note in every episode of my life. It sometimes reminds me of a thing that my dad once told me, that just stuck. After one of those wars with my sis, when we were both mighty upset, he came up to me and said "Finish all your fights by midnight each day.. don't carry them into the next day." It seemed to work almost everytime I consciously tried to settle things before the day ended. But soon I stopped trying cos people were either too pissed off all the time, or I found myself apologizing way too often of things that I thought were not my fault, and that probably wasn't good for my ego. But anyway, I'm sure I'd be more peaceful if I had kept doing that, eventually people would've realised what was going on.
Anyway, I wish I can get back to where I can see the funny side of everything, play those background laughs in my head to help me maybe, maybe talk funny things inside my head like those guys do in scrubs, ..simply cos I prefer being funny than being mad. Somehow, I'd just like to end each episode on a high.
"Life's too short to be pissed off all the time"
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
I miss a friend(?), who almost seems a very old friend now. I miss how I spoke about almost anything with her, how I could be stupid when I wanted, without worrying if I was wasting what could be "quality time. "
A lot of things would seem fake in retrospect, but a lot things really were not.. fake. As I thought about some really testing times, which again I'm sure would seem affected, I couldn't believe how much I really had blown away. It really doesn't seem to make sense suddenly, and so I force myself into thinking about the bad parts of it just to convince myself that it was ok to blow it away. But really, it wasn't. It costed me way more than just one very good friend. I wont even go into the loser's world of "If I had another chance, I'd do things differently... "
Talking about "old friends", now I've had some truly great friendships back home in Hyderabad. But I've realised.. they're just not like me. I am close to only a few people, but I really hold tight to them, they're for the keeps, they're not just people who where at the same place and time as me. Also I believe friends are people who know the current you, not someone whom you made your "best friend" in 6th grade and never talked to him after 8th grade. My friends in hyd.. i dont know.. they seem so busy all the time, too busy for a 5 min call in a year, I can count the number of phone calls I've received (apart ofcourse from family) ever since I came here, and no its not coz I've been talking to them online either. At times I just wished one of them would think of me and call, without any "work".. you know.. just call, like I do out of the blue, cos maybe I miss them? Its not like I'm perenially terribly disappointed in them, or I'm mad at them, I'm not even blaming them... its never been that important there, I'm sure they'd ensure I had a whale of a time if I went there now, but then again.. there'd be nothing until probably I went back. I'm sure they still consider me one of their own, I haven't changed all that much since I've gotten here, but I shouldn't hope for effort... I should just be content knowing they still like me, and knowing that I'd have never-ending tales to tell them when I get back home.
Thank you orkut... because of you, they cant escape lookin at my face for too long :)
C'mon guys... I can't get there anytime soon, but I sure miss u guys like hell.. and you too, my lost friend. I hope you're doin well...
Forgive my growing alliance with country music.. but there's this song by Rodney Atkins called "These are my people"..
A lot of things would seem fake in retrospect, but a lot things really were not.. fake. As I thought about some really testing times, which again I'm sure would seem affected, I couldn't believe how much I really had blown away. It really doesn't seem to make sense suddenly, and so I force myself into thinking about the bad parts of it just to convince myself that it was ok to blow it away. But really, it wasn't. It costed me way more than just one very good friend. I wont even go into the loser's world of "If I had another chance, I'd do things differently... "
Talking about "old friends", now I've had some truly great friendships back home in Hyderabad. But I've realised.. they're just not like me. I am close to only a few people, but I really hold tight to them, they're for the keeps, they're not just people who where at the same place and time as me. Also I believe friends are people who know the current you, not someone whom you made your "best friend" in 6th grade and never talked to him after 8th grade. My friends in hyd.. i dont know.. they seem so busy all the time, too busy for a 5 min call in a year, I can count the number of phone calls I've received (apart ofcourse from family) ever since I came here, and no its not coz I've been talking to them online either. At times I just wished one of them would think of me and call, without any "work".. you know.. just call, like I do out of the blue, cos maybe I miss them? Its not like I'm perenially terribly disappointed in them, or I'm mad at them, I'm not even blaming them... its never been that important there, I'm sure they'd ensure I had a whale of a time if I went there now, but then again.. there'd be nothing until probably I went back. I'm sure they still consider me one of their own, I haven't changed all that much since I've gotten here, but I shouldn't hope for effort... I should just be content knowing they still like me, and knowing that I'd have never-ending tales to tell them when I get back home.
Thank you orkut... because of you, they cant escape lookin at my face for too long :)
C'mon guys... I can't get there anytime soon, but I sure miss u guys like hell.. and you too, my lost friend. I hope you're doin well...
Forgive my growing alliance with country music.. but there's this song by Rodney Atkins called "These are my people"..
Sunday, June 24, 2007
A wonderful weekend..
It was something I had been looking forward to ever since I got to Nashville, making the trip back to Atlanta, which is so much more like home now.
Not my favourite means of transport, but also my only option, I rode the Greyhound again, breakin a promise of not doing it ever again :) But this time around, I was in for a cute lil surprise. It wasn't hard at all to decide which seat I wanted on the bus. With a few window seats left, some of which were next to ppl who occupied more than one and a half seat, some next to ppl who it seemed hadn't showered since the last time it rained... no, all this was bullshit.. the prying eyes of a 22yr old guy obviously had to fall on the seat next to a cute European-looking girl.
It took me 5 mins to realize she didnt speak English all that much. What followed were my best 2hrs in a long long time... It was so refreshing talking to a non-American girl, someone who knew the world beyond America.. we just had loads of harmless (though loud, at times) fun, something you'd never expect in a Greyhound bus. The girl was Lina.. an sales intern studying "politician" in Lithuania (I admit I had to ask her to show me where it was on the map). She did a heck of a job for someone who's been learning English for just under an year.
With high spirits, and no signs of the K-factor (lingo exclusive to tech isye junta), was all upbeat abt gettin homw to Atlanta.. met randeep, professor, chimpy, drama n bhavik.. loads of beer.. makkadman.. world politics... mega-screwing of Randeep and it was 3:30 in no time.
Saturday... after an unsuccessful house hunt, the usual chaddi chor bashing with anant n sheikh.. it was so awesome to see Arya... my partner in loneliness, also a villager (though I maintain Nashville is not a village). Had an unsuccesful bird-spotting at Cumberland while sheikh was emptying his pockets..
Then... we witnessed god himself. A R Rahman was unbelievable.. u'd think post-recording editing made songs sound that much better.. but when its happenin live before you... its just somethin else. Choicelessly, the non-tamilians amongst us also danced to the beats of the Sivaji songs.. though my high points from the concert had to be Secret of Sucess (Boys), Maa tujhe salaam, the Sivamani solo (un-freakin-believable), chaiyya chaiyya, Paathshaala... oh damn i'm gonna keep goin.. I think Saurabh was an idiot for missin it.. anant too... and anu... tu na... :)
So later, wantin to make most of our time together.. me, arya n drama decided to skip sleep... rum helped us see the "other side" of drama, added with tonnes of egotistical attitude :) Leaving a dwunk drama to coochy-coo, me n arya walked thru campus, at like 5 in the mornin (last done before eco finals)...
The return journey in the Greyhound was nowhere close to my east-european experience, but well, it got me here writing this absolutely pointless post... a "contemporary" post that I haven't done in ages.
It sucked not meetin nunu in Nashville... but koi nahi.. next time.. but I really had an awesome awesome time meetin the others.. ok I'm hungry, and sleepy. bye,hic.
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